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I.
Many polyamorous people distinguish boundaries and rules. I think the first author to make this distinction was the disgraced Franklin Veaux. From his website, More Than Two:
A rule is something that a person imposes on another. “I forbid you to have unbarriered sex with any other person” is a common example. It is a statement of intent to assert control over the actions of another.
Boundaries are things we put on ourselves. “In order to protect my sexual health, I reserve the right to discontinue having sexual intercourse with you if you have unbarriered sex with any other person” is an example.
Boundaries are of course Good and Ethical, and rules are of course Bad and Controlling.
I dislike this distinction for a number of reasons.
First, it doesn't match the usual usage of the word "boundaries." Most people think of something like "I don't want to have sex with you" as a boundary, even if I have not thought of any particular ways to enforce it and would probably just go along with sex if you pushed.
But setting that aside, I think the Veauxian boundaries/rules distinction is a distinction useful in a relatively narrow and limited set of circumstances, which has been inappropriately generalized to contexts in which it isn't useful.
Veaux's concept of "boundaries" is useful in adversarial relationships with unreasonable people. Let's say that your mom always comments on how you should lose ten pounds if you ever want to get a boyfriend, even though you hate this and it makes you feel gross about your body. A lot of people go "well, my mom shouldn't do that" and stop there.
Well, unfortunately, lots of people do things they shouldn't do. You can't actually control your mom's behavior; you can only control your behavior. If you just seethe about how your mother is being an asshole-- even if she is-- you'll probably feel helpless and powerless and frustrated. You'll feel better if you decide how you're going to respond to your mother commenting on your weight: saying "wow!" in your best icy Miss Manners voice and then changing the subject; saying "Mom, I asked you not to comment on my weight" and repeating yourself like a broken record until she drops it; walking out of the house and getting dinner by yourself; or even deciding that this is something you can tolerate and rolling your eyes at your sibling when she's on about it again.
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