Cis people don't have to understand trans people

Here is a complete list of everything that the average cis person needs to know about trans people:

1. It is polite to try to use the pronoun that people tell you they should use.
2. The Trump administration is making things difficult for ordinary trans Americans who just want to live their lives in peace, get a passport, use the bathroom on federal property, serve in the military, and so on.
3. You don’t need to understand everything in the entire world.

I’m not saying trans people should deny knowledge to cis people. I have written innumerable posts on this blog in part to explain trans people to cis people. If you’re cis, and you care to try to understand trans people better—because you love a trans person, or because you’re a medical professional, or out of disinterested curiosity—I’m all for that.

But the trans movement has devoted itself to trying to explain trans people to cis people, and I think that’s fundamentally wrongheaded.

I don’t know much about little people. I have heard somewhere that you’re supposed to say “little person” and not “dwarf” and definitely not “midget.” I can guess, using my elite Theory of Mind powers, that they probably don’t like being called munchkins or hobbits or being asked invasive questions about how being a little person works. My Theory of Mind powers also suggest:

• they probably have trouble with high shelves, etc.

• I should try to help them out

• since I don’t know anything about little people, I shouldn’t assume that they haven’t figured out a high-shelf solution for themselves that my bumbling attempts to help would only interfere with

• so I should go “let me know if you need any help!” and then hang back to see if they’ve got it.

I also know that, if I become friends with a little person, I can ask them questions and listen to their opinions and develop a more informed take at that time.

This is completely rational on my part, because little people are a tiny minority of the population, and I’m just not going to learn detailed information about the experiences and needs of every tiny minority. I learn generally applicable rules of how to not be a dick, and I hope that the little people I encounter will be kind and patient with me while I learn the suddenly relevant information.

Trans people are also a tiny minority of the population. We’re just not going to get everyone to have an informed take on trans people. This is an unrealistic goal and we shouldn’t try.

Being the subject of the culture war has been a mixed bag for trans people. For example, I’m genuinely glad that I can now watch comedy without hearing a joke about how trans women are disgusting and trick men into sex. Many people now realize they’re transgender earlier in life, which prevents years of dysphoria, poor transition outcomes, and messy divorces when a straight woman’s husband turns out to be a woman. And as they/them pronouns become more familiar, this pronoun set is easier for people to use, which means nonbinary people are more likely to be called their preferred pronouns and everyone else has to spend less time awkwardly apologizing to nonbinary people.

But the culture war has also threatened rights that trans people have had, without incident, for decades: for example, the legal right to use the bathroom of your choice or to change the sex marker on your documents with a simple letter from your doctor. And the vast majority of transsexuals want to pass as their identified gender. The more salient trans people are, the more likely it is that it will occur to someone that that 5’4” man with a round face might not be cis.

This is an unsolvable conundrum if we want all cis people to get trans people. But if we accept that most cis people are going to be clueless and that’s fine, we can consolidate our successes, advocate for the boring bureaucratic policy changes that genuinely improve the lives of trans people, and work on reducing the salience of trans people.

At schools, the existence of transgender children should be addressed in a sensitive and age-appropriate way when a child actually transitions; we don’t need to cover transness routinely in sex education. Similarly, workplaces can address trans issues if they actually have a transgender employee; Anthropic or Google might need to include trans people in ordinary sexual harassment trainings, but your local Target probably doesn’t. Trans rights groups should hold politicians to account for their concrete actions harming trans people, but not for simply omitting to mention trans rights.

As individuals, we trans people have to tolerate well-meaning but profoundly confused cis people. I’m not saying that you need to put up with people who are genuinely acting in bad faith, even if they say they’re “just asking questions.” But you shouldn’t jump down someone’s throat for saying “so you used to be a woman, but then you became a man?” You should try to endure people using out-of-date terminology that isn’t actually a slur. You should be patient when someone brings up their trans friend or Caitlyn Jenner.

You have no obligation to answer people’s questions if you’re just going about your life. Questions can feel irritating and invasive, and you can wish everyone would read Julia Serano and educate themselves and then you would never have to explain anything. But many people who ask questions about trans people are just curious and have no intention of being offensive. And most cis people are as ignorant, and as reasonably ignorant, about trans people as I am about little people, hijabis, seasonal migrant laborers, or Eritrean American immigrants. All things equal, it is good if your response to someone sincerely asking “what does it mean to be nonbinary?” or “so you’re a man, but you got pregnant? How does that work?” or “do you think trans women should play in women’s sports?” is taking a deep breath and trying to explain as best you can.

I have had gym bros think “ah, Ozy is trans, and I take testosterone to get gainz. Let us bond over our testosterone injections! I wonder if trans men have the same psychological effects I do from testosterone. Isn’t it terrible how hard it is to get testosterone?” I could go “my testosterone is a treatment for a medical condition, you’re just vain, it’s completely different and in fact I’m offended that you would compare us.” Or I could take it in the spirit in which it is meant and commiserate with them about the post-covid testosterone shortages.

And I have talked to people who were clearly intending to be respectful, but who go “a man-- I mean a woman-- I mean a man--” so much I couldn’t tell what gender the person they’re talking about actually was. In these situations, I try to figure out what gender the person is and kindly correct them (”it sounds like they’re a trans man, so you should call them a man”). Often, people are genuinely relieved to know what they should do.

I also think that, right now, less trans energy should go towards specifically explaining why trans people are valid, and more trans energy should go to general support for the liberal project. We don’t need, like, trans rights coloring books. We need to shore up the norms that protect trans people (and little people, and hijabis, and seasonal migrant workers, and Eritrean American immigrants):

• You shouldn’t insult, harass, or do violence to innocent people.

• You shouldn’t make mean jokes about people.

• You shouldn’t act like specific groups of people are disgusting.

• If you encounter a member of a minority group you don’t know anything about, you shouldn’t assume you know what they need; you should ask.

• It is polite to do small favors for people even if you don’t understand why they want them.

• Other people’s medical decisions are between them, their doctor, and (if underage) their parents. You shouldn’t invade other people’s medical privacy.

• You don’t have to understand other people to treat them with respect.

• In general, as long as people aren’t hurting anyone, you should leave them alone and mind your own business.

It’s a losing path to go “while I understand why you want to constantly poke your nose into other people’s private lives, if you read this three-hundred-page work of gender theory you will realize that trans people’s needs are understandable, trans people are best classified as their identified genders, and therefore you should accept trans people.” The winning path is to go “why the fuck are you obsessed with these random weirdos who aren’t hurting anyone? Mind your own business.” Good for us, good for all the other weirdos.