Real stages of childhood

I find unenlightening the conventional names for the stages children go through. “Preschooler”? Is this age of child primarily defined by not being ready to go to school yet?

Here are the real stages children go through, according to my experience as a parent.

Tamagotchi (birth to ~9 months): Every few minutes to few hours, the child produces an error message. You have maybe a dozen different ways to interact with them, and you cycle through the various interactions until you figure out which one fills up the child’s needs bar. Sometimes the child gets stuck and nothing you do will get the error message to stop.

Much like a tamagotchi, how rewarding this stage is depends on how cute you find the being presently in your care.