Being actively poly with a child under three

I have heard people say that it’s impossible to be (actively, non-theoretically) polyamorous with a child under three.

Since I was actively polyamorous with a child under three in the past, and intend within the next year or so to be actively polyamorous with a child under three once more, I disagree in the strongest of terms.

How did I do it?

First, my child has three parents. I realize this is a bit of a cheap shot and not what anyone means by “you can’t be polyamorous with a child under three.” But I did in fact use my beautiful and charming child to lure in an additional parent to our household, and Lindsey has been part of the family for five years and he is the most brilliant and creative and patient person I know. You are unlikely to lure in anyone as excellent as Lindsey, as I have already taken him, and your children are no doubt less beautiful and charming than my child. But perhaps you will also be able to find yourself a third parent who is nearly as excellent.

Second, I had long-distance relationships. Nothing about a long-distance relationship is more difficult if you have a baby. Indeed, long-distance relationships are easier with a baby, as you spend an enormous amount of time unable to complete any task that takes longer than 90 seconds—entirely incompatible with most hobbies or intellectual work, but very compatible with shooting off a quick Discord message in between diaper changes and “no! Not food! Take that out of your mouth right now.”

Third, I brought along my child on my dates. Obviously, you can only bring your child along on dates with people who appreciate children, and a child is not a suitable companion for a romantic candlelit dinner or a trip to a nightclub. But many kid-friendly activities—a science museum, a trip to the park, an afternoon at the library—also make lovely dates. If you and your partner both have children, your children can play together while you talk. And many childless people enjoy children very much and feel sad that they don’t get to interact with children as much as they’d like. Once you have overcome this outdated societal notion that children don’t belong on dates, you can have a lovely time with your partners and your kids.

Now, while it is indeed possible to be actively poly with small children, misinformation on this point isn’t a big deal. Poly parents can figure it out. The real problem is what this idea says about all parents’ relationships with other adults.

Dating someone doesn’t magically take more time than a platonic relationship. It’s not like, when you kiss someone, you start traveling at close to the speed of light such that each minute for you is two minutes for your child.¹ If it isn’t possible to date while having small children, it isn’t possible to have platonic adult relationships either.