CASR: On Bad Sex

Getting married is neither sufficient nor necessary for a good time in bed

[content note: rape, forced sex work, sexism]

I wrote a review of The Case Against The Sexual Revolution by Louise Perry a while back but it continues to live rent-free in my brain, so I am writing another blog post about it so it can stop being such a goddamn freeloader.

The Case Against The Sexual Revolution (as well as Feminism Against Progress, another book in the genre) are against women having bad sex. Sex with men that treat them as a sex toy rather than a person, sex where they feel gross and violated afterward, sex where they don’t come, sex that just isn’t fun. As a fan of the sexual revolution, I am entirely in favor of this goal.

Unfortunately, their only suggestion for how to obtain this goal is “stop having casual sex, only have sex with people who are committed to you, ideally marital sex.”¹ Indeed, Perry doesn’t even go so far as to recommend actual commitment: she only suggests a delay of a few months.

To prevent misunderstanding, let me outline my points of agreement. A lot of casual sex is really bad. The first time you have sex with someone is usually pretty bad, even if no one is an asshole. You don’t know the things they like, they don’t know the things you like, you’re self-conscious about your weird mole, and inevitably someone always ends up putting an elbow in a place elbows shouldn’t go. Sex is better once you’ understand each other better, have gotten into a groove, and have plenty of evidence they’re indifferent to your moles. To the extent that you’re having a bunch of one-night stands, your sex life will be worse.

Many casual sex cultures are also very bad. Some casual-sex cultures stigmatize people being friends or even just nice to each other, because treating your partner as a human being is a signal that you want to get married and have six babies. An unpleasant number of men expect blowjobs during casual sex but are totally unwilling to provide cunnilingus themselves.

Setting aside some people’s unusual kinks, sex is almost always better if you’re friends. In a good marriage, your spouse is your best friend and the coolest fucking person, and you can’t believe that you’re lucky enough that they picked a dumbass like you. And so, in a good marriage, sex with your spouse is usually more fun than sex with other people. We can see this from the many poly people who say “no” to dates with new people in order to spend more time having gleeful marital sex.

It is extremely common and normal to not want sex if you can’t trust the person—especially given the serious risks of STIs, pregnancy, and rape. It is extremely common and normal to dislike sex with people you’re not in love with, especially for women. To the extent that “the sexual revolution” has made people think they have to have casual sex to be cool or liberated, this is really bad. I hesitate to offer opinions on normal people’s sex lives, but I am concerned by the “three date rule.” You meet a stranger off a dating site, hang out with them three times, and suddenly you’re supposed to be comfortable doing something as intimate and vulnerable as sex? If this works for you it’s fine but it seems like kind of a wild expectation.