Scott Alexander defends “I’m sorry you were offended” and “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He correctly points out that something like “I’m sorry that I upset you” is the kind and empathetic response when someone’s feelings are hurt but you behaved reasonably and appropriately. You want to acknowledge their distress, and also don’t want to back down on your beliefs or actions. I agree that some people have decided to make taboo the literal phrase “I’m sorry you were upset,” which is unhelpful in the many situations in which you want to say that.
But I think Scott Alexander is missing the fundamental reason that people find “I’m sorry you feel that way” upsetting.
If someone says to me “your child is stupid and ugly and I hope he dies a slow and lingering death,” I would be pissed off. If they said “I’m sorry you were offended,” I would be, if anything, more pissed off. Sure, I guess it’s better if you don’t want to upset me. But I don’t want reassurances about that fact. I want you to realize that you shouldn’t cruelly insult small children, and then stop. “I’m sorry you were offended” feels like a further insult because you’re rubbing my face in your refusal to follow basic principles of etiquette and ethics.
The problem, of course, is that people disagree on basic principles of etiquette and ethics.
I think this applies in all three of Scott’s cases:
Maybe one of your family members makes an unreasonable demand (“Please lend me lots of money to subsidize my drug addiction”), you say no, and they say they feel like you don’t love them.
Maybe you speak out against a genocidal aggressive war. Someone complains that their family member died fighting in that war. They accuse you of implicitly dismissing their relative’s sacrifice and calling them a bad person.
Maybe you argue that a suspect is innocent of a crime, and some unrelated crime victim says it triggers them when people question victims or advocate for the accused. They say that now they are re-traumatized.
The pro-war person thinks the war was ethically good, and therefore her dead relative is a hero and ought to be treated as such; the anti-war person thinks the war is ethically bad, and while she doesn’t want to gratuitously insult anyone’s dead loved ones “your relative was a war criminal” is the way to bet. The person who thinks the suspect is innocent wants to defend the wrongly accused; the victim’s rights person wants victims to be taken seriously.1 Even the drug addict has come up with a rather self-serving ethical system in which she is entitled to her family’s money.
By all means, say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” But don’t be surprised if the person you’re arguing with is still mad at you. The thing they want isn’t acknowledgement of their feelings; the thing they want is for you to think their relative is a war hero, to stop defending people who are accused of crimes, or to give them money.2
Sometimes people actually do just want reassurance that you care about them—especially people you’re close to. But quite often people want your behavior to change. There is no magic string of words that will cause them to stop wanting the things they want and instead want something else you think is more sensible.
The elephant in the room is that “you shouldn’t say ‘I’m sorry you were offended’” is an idea that grew out of angry mobs on the Internet.
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