Delayed ejaculation and erectile dysfunction in loveshy men

My guess is that, among the men I know who lost their virginity after their mid-twenties, more than half deal with serious erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation.

I have zero scientific evidence to back this up. I’m going off my anecdotal (but extensive) experience as a life coach, confidante to older loveshy men, and sexual partner of older loveshy men. But in my experience, among cis men who have lost their virginity in their late twenties or later, erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation are actually more common than not.

(Oddly, although culturally people associate loveshy men with premature ejaculation, premature ejaculation seems to be much less common in my experience.)

So I have decided to write an honest but nonshaming advice post for this demographic.

Differential Diagnosis

First, you should rule out medical causes. Both delayed ejaculation and premature ejaculation can be a side effect of certain medications (especially SSRIs) or a sign of various health problems. It’s wise to go to a doctor for a screening, particularly if you struggle with erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation while masturbating.

Second, you should check your condom sizing. People often assume that condoms are “one size fits all” because they can stretch. But a condom can fit over your penis without fitting comfortably. A poorly fitting condom makes sex not only less pleasurable but less safe—a condom that doesn’t fit is more likely to slip off or break. Magnum condoms aren’t just for vanity, and if you need a “slim” or “snug” condom, refusing to admit this fact does no one any good. Note that girth matters more than length—if you have an average-length but unusually thin or thick penis, you will likely need to use a smaller or larger condom. Hims has a good guide to measuring your penis and choosing your condom size. People I know with oddly sized penises swear by MyONE, which offers condoms in 52 sizes.

Third, you should think about whether you’re actually attracted to your partner. Many loveshy men agree to sex with people they aren’t attracted to, because they believe it’s their only chance to have sex or a romantic relationship. If you have sex with a woman you’re not attracted to, you will probably have sexual dysfunctions. This isn’t just about conventional attractiveness: if you’re having sex with a thin woman when you’re only attracted to fat women, you will also have difficulty performing. Some men are only attracted to people they’re in love with or feel comfortable or safe around. If that’s you, don’t force yourself into casual sex because it’s the only thing you think you can get.

Fourth, if you have erectile dysfunction, consider using an erectile dysfunction medication. Erectile dysfunction medication is effective and safe, and you can purchase it from an online provider without even having to have an awkward conversation with your doctor. Why bother with all this communication and journey of self-discovery stuff when you can just have Better Living Through Chemistry?

Other Causes of Sexual Dysfunction

Okay, so we’ve ruled out the obvious four. In my experience, and according to my reading of the sex therapy literature, you likely have one or several of the following problems.

Idiosyncratic masturbation style. From my reading of the literature and personal experience, this is the most common cause of delayed ejaculation. I strongly suspect that idiosyncratic masturbation style is the reason that erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation are so common among men who lost their virginity late.

You have spent fifteen or twenty years (or even longer) conditioning yourself that orgasm happens in one specific way. Maybe you flip quickly between videos or watch compilations, and so see dozens of girls in a few minutes. Maybe you read erotica and get to know exactly what the woman is thinking or enjoy the payoff of a narratively dramatic plotline. Maybe you’re used to women with specific appearances (even impossible ones, like hentai girls) or to specific sex acts that are much less fun in real life (facials, double penetration). Maybe you squeeze hard and move your hand quickly and don’t use lube. Maybe you rub yourself on the bed or a pillow. Maybe you simply do the exact same touches in the exact same way every time.

And now you’re trying to get yourself to get hard and come in a completely different situation. No laptop or phone is usually present. She is a 3D woman, whom you can touch and smell and taste, not just look at. She moves in an unpredictable way. You have to care about the experiences of a different person with their own preferences. Some sex acts that are hot in porn are boring in real life; some sex acts that are boring in porn are hot as hell in real life. Vaginas, mouths, and assholes don’t feel like your hand, and even her hand will feel different from yours because she doesn’t know the exactly best way to touch you. She is likely to be less willing than you are to jerk your dick hard and fast for ages. And real-world sex has almost no satisfying narrative payoff.¹

(”Idiosyncratic masturbation style” is sometimes called “death grip syndrome” but I don’t like the term, because it limits idiosyncratic masturbation style to one specific (albeit common) situation: jerking off very fast while holding your penis very tightly. The guy who rubs himself off on the bed doesn’t have a “death grip”, but he will definitely have problems orgasming during sex.)

This is not a “porn and masturbation are evil” take. Porn and masturbation are fine. But the longer you go only masturbating and consuming porn, the more you condition yourself that orgasms only happen during masturbation, and the more trouble you have when you actually have sex.

Having sex you don’t like. You may be having sex that doesn’t include the sex acts you tend to get off on.

This isn’t necessarily about kink! If you primarily fantasize about frottage, you might struggle with orgasming if you think frottage is weird so you don’t want to ask for it. But it is, also, sometimes about kink: if you primarily get off on nonconsent, or feederism, or crossdressing, you may have a hard time enjoying sex that doesn’t involve your kink at all.

It’s also possible that your partner likes a sex act that is a hard no for you, and you’re making yourself engage in it anyway. For example, maybe you’re squicked by dominating a woman, but are pushing past the squick because you want to make your partner happy and you’re afraid that if you say “no” to BDSM you will never get to have sex again. Similarly, you might be grossed out by giving a woman oral sex, but think that good lovers or feminists give oral, so you’re forcing yourself to give oral anyway.

Anxiety/distraction. Men who are sexually inexperienced late in life tend to be anxious about sex. “Am I doing it right? Am I ugly? Can she tell how inexperienced I am? Is she having a good time? Is my dick too small? Is she judging me? Is she secretly laughing at me? Have I accidentally pressured her into sex somehow? Am I a rapist? Oh god, I am accidentally raping her right this very minute.”

This is not the world’s sexiest line of thought.

If you’re spending the entire time freaking out, you aren’t feeling the sensations in your body or appreciating your partner’s body or the pleasure she’s experiencing, and you are likely to lose your erection or fail to orgasm. Erection and orgasm generally require you to be present in the moment, or failing that thinking about something that’s actually hot.

Some people also experience distraction that isn’t related to anxiety. For example, they can find themselves thinking about TV shows, or making a to-do list, or trying to debug an open-source project. Sometimes distraction indicates that you’re not that interested in the sex; sometimes it indicates that you have ADHD. (If you have ADHD, taking your stimulants on days you’re going to have sex can help.)

The most dangerous kind of anxiety is...

Pressure on yourself to get hard or orgasm. If you’ve struggled with erectile dysfunction or orgasm in the past, you will naturally be anxious about it in the future. “Am I going to get hard? Am I hard yet? Fuck. I’m not hard yet. Think of something sexy. No, something sexier. Is she mad at me that I can’t get hard? Does she think I’m not attracted to her? Is she disappointed? Oh, no, I’ve disappointed her. Why can’t I just get hard?” And then your penis wilts like an unwatered flower.

Unfortunately, the more you worry about not being able to get hard or come, the more difficult it will be to get hard or come. There is almost no thought that makes you less likely to orgasm than “why haven’t I orgasmed yet?” As paradoxical as it is, erection and orgasm are more likely to happen the less invested you are in them happening.

Selfless sexual script. Men who lost their virginity late often have a sexual script where they kiss the woman and touch her until she’s turned on, and then they finger her until she comes, and then they eat her out until she comes, and then they fuck her until she comes, and then I guess after that they can come maybe but it is not a necessary part of the endeavor.

It is very understandable why men who lost their virginity late have a selfless sexual script. To them, sex is scarce, so they think they have to be fantastic lovers to have any chance of getting more of it. And to them being a good lover means focusing entirely on your partner’s pleasure to the exclusion of your own.

But if you have this sexual script, you will almost certainly have problems getting hard or orgasming, because there is no step in the script that includes anything that would cause you to get hard or orgasm.

Sexual trauma, in a broad sense. Sexual trauma is an extremely common cause of all sexual dysfunctions. When I say “sexual trauma” here, I don’t just mean being raped, sexually harassed, or molested when you were a kid, although all of those can cause sexual trauma.² I want to use the word in a broad sense, to refer to all kinds of negative experiences that distort your sexuality. Growing up in Christian purity culture can be sexually traumatizing. Certain kinds of feminism can also be sexually traumatizing. Being exposed to sexuality at an early age, before you’re developmentally ready, can be sexually traumatizing. Inadequate sex education can be sexually traumatizing. Being raised by parents who are very uncomfortable with sex or who shamed you for your sexuality can be sexually traumatizing.

I particularly want to name as traumatizing the belief that male sexuality is unwanted, uncontrollable, and threatening and harmful to women; that men are continually on the verge of committing sexual violence; or that male sexuality is fundamentally alien from female sexuality, with no overlap or shared experiences. These beliefs are profoundly sexist (yes, even when feminists say them) and common in a wide range of diverse subcultures. If you are a good, kind man who wants to respect women, and you are taught these beliefs, you’re going to dissociate from your sexuality. You’ve been taught that being predatory is not a choice made by people who can choose differently, but an inherent feature of male sexuality. You don’t want to be predatory, so it feels like you shouldn’t be sexual.

Men who lost their virginity late are, I think, particularly susceptible to this belief. Men who lose their virginity at the ordinary age experience someone wanting and liking their sexuality, so they’re less likely to internalize these beliefs. But if (as far as you can tell) your sexuality has always been unwanted, it’s easy to see yourself as a disgusting monster whose desire is burdensome at best and violent at worst. And this mindset makes it difficult to enjoy sex.

What Do I Do About It?

The first-line treatment is to keep having sex without putting pressure on yourself to get an erection or to orgasm. Kiss and touch your partner in a non-goal-directed manner. Finger your partner or give her oral. Your partner can kiss and touch your soft penis; it turns out this isn’t forbidden by the Sex Cops. If you can maintain an erection but have trouble coming, you can receive blowjobs or handjobs and have PIV and anal sex. Just stop when you or your partner is bored, instead of when you’ve come. Don’t think of the goal of sex as orgasm; think of the goal of sex as sexual pleasure, emotional closeness, and having a good time with your partner.

You must explain what’s going on to your partner. (You can even send them this essay!) Many women don’t realize that delayed ejaculation and erectile dysfunction are common for men who lost their virginity late. They believe that you’re not attracted to them or that they’re bad in bed, and they can wind up pressuring you to orgasm or continuing sex when they’re not having a good time. They can accidentally make the problem worse.

The most likely cause of your sexual dysfunction is that you’re not used to having sex. If you have more sex, you’ll get more used to sexual pleasure coming from sex, and it will be easier to get hard and orgasm during sex. You just need to avoid getting trapped in anxiety, especially anxiety about sexual dysfunction, which will reinforce the problem. As long as you can chill out about your penis’s behavior, the problem will likely resolve over time.

What if it doesn’t resolve on its own?

If you have any sort of sexual trauma, it can help to see a sex-positive sex therapist.

If you’re having sex you find gross or unpleasant or uncomfortable, that you get through by thinking about something else, or that you don’t want, you have to stop. Men have sexual boundaries too. People who have trouble getting laid have sexual boundaries too. Yes, compromise is part of a healthy sex life. But the appropriate subject for compromise is activities you’re neutral on: things you wouldn’t do for their own sake, but that you appreciate because your partner likes them. Ideally, even if an activity isn’t directly pleasurable for you, it is pleasurable because of your partner’s pleasure. You should NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!! compromise sexually by doing things that gross you out or make you feel uncomfortable. If you continue to push yourself to have sex you don’t want, eventually you will feel scared or disgusted or repulsed by sex itself. That way lies dead bedrooms and long-term sexual dissatisfaction.

(Yes, this includes disliking giving oral sex. No one, male or female, should give oral sex if it bores them or grosses them out. It is not somehow feminist to coerce men who hate giving oral into sex they don’t want. That said, if your problem is the taste, try using dental dams before you stop giving cunnilingus entirely.)

If your partner cares about you, or even is a minimally decent human being, they don’t want you to have sex that you hate or that makes you feel uncomfortable or squicked. You aren’t doing them a favor by hiding your feelings. You need to talk to your partner, explain the situation, and tell them your new limits.

If you struggle with anxiety or distraction, mindfulness can help. You don’t have to do anything sophisticated like seeking enlightenment or finding the fourth jhana. When you notice yourself getting distracted or having anxious thoughts, nonjudgmentally bring your attention back to your present-moment experience. Don’t beat yourself up; just notice that you’re distracted and gently return your awareness what’s going on in your body. It can help to practice in a nonsexual but pleasurable context, which might be less anxiety-inducing: consider mindfully taking a walk, drinking tea or coffee, eating delicious food, getting a massage, or taking a shower. It can also help to practice while masturbating; I talk a bit more about this later.

If you have sexual interests you’re not incorporating into sex, or if you have a selfless sexual script, you will need to have a conversation with your partner about making sex a more mutually satisfying activity. It can feel terrifying to have this sort of conversation, especially if you have a lot of sexual shame. But having awkward, scary conversations about sex is part of having a sexual relationship.

Often, your partner will find this conversation a relief. She guessed that something wasn’t quite right, but she couldn’t articulate the problem well enough to bring it up, or herself felt awkward and self-conscious about talking about sex. If you have a selfless sexual script, remember that your partner almost certainly wants you to enjoy sex. You wouldn’t appreciate sex with a woman who said “oh, sex is really for men, I don’t get anything out of it, but I don’t mind taking ten minutes to make him happy.” Your sexual partners probably feel the same way about your selfless sexual script. Denying yourself is not doing her a favor.

Your partner is unlikely to start acting out the plot of your favorite hentai. But, if you are both creative, flexible, and open-minded, it is usually possible to come up with a sex life everyone involved finds satisfying. For example, even if your partner doesn’t physically enjoy frottage, she might enjoy you kissing and caressing her at the same time. Your partner might be neutral on giving blowjobs, but happy to make you happy. Your partner might not be interested in consensual nonconsent, but she might be okay with wrestling or light bondage. Your partner might dislike you in women’s clothes, but like you in guyliner with shaved legs. You can have some nights that are primarily about you and other nights that are primarily about her, and accept that you are unlikely to orgasm during the latter.

Your partner might experiment with things you like if she’s not sure whether she likes them. Try to avoid pressuring her to like them; as best as you can, be okay with any outcome. (I realize this is difficult because people really want their partner to do sexy things with them.) Your partner will be more willing to try new things in the long run if “turns out, not my thing” is always an acceptable answer. Thank her for trying; don’t get mad at her for not liking it.

Again, remember that you and your partner should NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!! compromise sexually by doing things that gross you out or make you uncomfortable. But usually there’s some amount of overlap where you will get some (if not all) of what you want and your partner will be at least neutral about the activities.

You might have kinks that are physically impossible in real life, like mind control, macro/micro, breast expansion, or transformation. Sometimes it’s possible to roleplay these kinks in a reasonably convincing fashion: for example, maybe your partner is immediately post-transformation. Sometimes your partner is willing to incorporate dirty talk about those kinks into sex. Sometimes, neither works. In that case, you’ll have to decide whether you prefer to close your eyes and fantasize intensely until you come, or to stay present in the sex without orgasming. Either is fine. It just depends on your preferences.

Finally, if you have an idiosyncratic masturbation style (you almost certainly have an idiosyncratic masturbation style), you will need to alter your style of masturbation.

Masturbate with a slower and more gentle touch and a lot of lube. Vary the way you touch yourself: try different rhythms and touching different parts of your penis. Avoid sensations that are difficult to replicate during sex, such as rubbing against an object. Try to make yourself feel the same way you feel during PIV, blowjobs, or handjobs. Some sex toys, such as the Tenga line, more closely simulate a vagina than your hand does; if you’ve never used a male masturbation toy, you may want to try one. On the other hand, if you use a male masturbation toy every time you orgasm, you may want to retire it for a while.

At a minimum, avoid porn and erotica that you can’t replicate during sex (sexual situations that aren’t possible in real life, fetishes your partner is completely uninterested in, anything that involves switching rapidly between many different women, exaggerated hentai girls).³ You may want to exclusively masturbate to sexual material produced by your partner (your partner’s nudes, sexting with your partner, etc.). You may want to avoid porn and erotica entirely.

You may want to limit fantasizing as well: fantasize only about sex you could reasonably have in real life, fantasize only about your partner, fantasize only about sex you had in the past, etc. Some men find it helpful to practice mindful masturbation, where instead of fantasizing they focus on the physical sensations and the pleasure of touching themselves. Practicing mindful masturbation can help you practice being present during sex. Give it a shot and see if it’s for you.

If it takes you a long time to orgasm (i.e. longer than your sexual partner would be willing to keep going), stop for the night and masturbate again tomorrow.

This process will likely sexually frustrate you! That’s okay. As you build up sexual desire, you have a lower threshold for erections and orgasm. Eventually, you’ll be so horny you’ll be able to orgasm from sex, even though it isn’t remotely like what you’ve conditioned yourself to associate with orgasm. Once you’ve started conditioning yourself to orgasm from sex, you’ll be able to orgasm during sex without being so horny the rest of the time that you can’t focus on work.⁴

Some people find it helpful to take a break from masturbation entirely for a month or two. Instead, they only have orgasms if they can orgasm during sex. By making themselves hornier, they make it easier to come during sex. Other people find that entirely taking a break from masturbation makes them obsess over whether they will come during sex, which distracts them and paradoxically makes it harder to come during sex. Experiment to see what works for you.

Once you are getting hard and orgasming regularly during sex, you can gradually reintroduce elements of your old masturbation style. If your sexual dysfunctions come back, just stop doing whatever seems to be causing the problem. You will likely have to make some permanent changes in your masturbation habits. While you probably won’t have to give up your favorite way of masturbation forever, it will become only one part of a broader and more varied masturbation life.

1. Sad fujo noises.

2. And, yes, men can be raped. By women, even!

3. Obviously, if you have an obligate fetish that is impossible in real life or that your partner doesn’t like, you may want to adjust these rules. But I think, if you can get off to porn that would be reasonably possible for you to do in real life, you should—at least temporarily.

4. Maybe don’t begin this process when you’re about to do any really finicky brain surgeries.