My guess is that, among the men I know who lost their virginity after their mid-twenties, more than half deal with serious erectile dysfunction or delayed ejaculation.
A specific tip that wasn't mentioned in the discussion of varying your masturbation habits: If you plan to use a condom during sex then wear one while masturbating as well. This will get you used to the feel of having one on and being touched through it. (it also makes cleanup very easy)
I have had similar experiences despite losing my virginity in my mid-teens, I think if you’re a neurodivergent male there’s a high chance this is a fundamental characteristic of your sexuality no matter how many partners you have.
I’m also bisexual and had hook-ups and relationships with both men and women, and the same thing could happen regardless of my sexual role. The difference is that if you’re the receiving partner you can have full intercourse without being turned on, and there’s no fear that you’ll rush to an early orgasm that means the end of that act and your interest.
But despite the complete absence of the fears and pressures normally present in heterosexual encounters, issues about death grip/condoms/maintaining an erection/etc., I still had the same problems - not being turned on, not being able to finish, not being attracted to a partner, feeling pressured to have sex just because I’m a man, but mostly, the same weird psychological state where I was unable to be “into it” and actually let go and enjoy what’s happening.
It varies from individual to individual of course but I’m on the side that this is a psychological problem and that the phallocentric approach is the wrong focus. It’s not about delayed ejaculation, or not having an erection, or even horniness (not masturbating for weeks did not make me anymore turned on during casual sex). ADHD meds also didn’t help, and weirdly enough made me mostly lose interest in sex/masturbation (maybe due to improved self control?).
I’m personally very happy that my partner went on SSRIs and that their libido went down drastically. It’s removed so much anxiety and when we do have sex it’s a lot better since it’s less of a physical “need” than an expression of intimacy.
Yeah although this article is very sex positive regarding kinks and turn ons, something about it still rubs me (bi cis woman) the wrong way. Like, we all agree now that Freud was wrong on this and that women don't "have to learn" to orgasm from penetration. If a woman need a vibrator, or oral, or whatever else to orgasm during the act, that's fine and more girl power to her. Why do men need to learn to orgasm easily in a conventional way? Why is it a problem not to? As a woman I've only orgasmed by my own hand, and no one calls that death grip syndrome. For that matter: why is one of the first tips in here not "try sticking things up your prostate, that helps a lot of men"?
At some point you mentioned ADHD, and I do wonder if there's a strong correlation between those somewhere on the ADHD spectrum and those who have erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation, as I suspect (mostly without evidence) that in many cases it has to do with a difficulty in focusing the brain. From time to time, I've heard phrases like "the brain is one of the primary sexual organs" or "the biggest role in creating an orgasm is that of the brain" thrown around and do find that there's a certain truth to them.
You also clearly know both a disproportionate number of loveshy men and a disproportionate number of neurodivergent men, and while the two are correlated in the first place for very obvious reasons (certain types of neurodivergence make it harder to find partners in the first place), certain brain issues like ADHD may act as a conflating variable by leading to erectile dysfunction / delayed ejaculation as well.
Very good. I'd also like to point out that most of not all of those things can apply to NOT loveshy, late-starter men. They can also apply to for example middle aged men who have had a long gap between relationships, or men who spent many years with one woman with specific style or requirements (this is essentially a partnered version of idiosyncratic masturbation style: if for example the only way you did piv for 15 years is by her riding you on top, you MIGHT struggle fucking her etc).
A lot of people have hangups in the bedroom, and at least some of the time its because they fail to see themselves how their partner sees them— their partner desires them, but they're not seeing themselves as desirable. Loveshy men often won't have inculcated a habit of opening themselves up to feeling desired.
In any other context this would be TMI, but... I can confirm that, for me, so-called "traumatic masturbatory syndrome" was real. It caused both erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation, and took a long time to fix. Before I fixed it, I was not able to have normal, satisfying sexual encounters with women.
Idk, anecdotally I’ve only slept with 6 people with penises, but there wasn’t a huge correlation between idiosyncratic masturbation style or neurodivergence and difficulty cumming with me? I knew people who did the bed thing who were able to come too (maybe the difference is they could also come from a variety of styles.)
I can’t really speak to the age thing bc I’m 24 and everyone was around that age or younger.
Estrogen does often make it harder to come if you have a penis (and makes it smaller/not get as hard)
I don’t mind this as advice for people who do want to change - personally I had vaginismus for a long time and am glad that it’s significantly milder now so that masturbation isn’t the only way I can engage in sex. And it makes sense to want to adapt your preferences to a partner you care about.
Or just don't resolve your idiosyncratic masturbation style and end each sex session with a hot jerk of sesh while dirty talking and kissing? That's what my partner and I often do.
I am a cis woman with an idiosyncratic masturbation style. Like most women, I can't come from penetration, but clit focused vibrators and oral also don't make me cum either (although both feel awesome!). Basically I have to continuously press the left side of my clit in a specific pattern, that I've yet to teach anyone else to replicate. Yeah, it'd be nice if I could orgasm in more ways and I really have tried, but such is life. Anecdotally, most women don't orgasm in a super easy and convenient way; why do men have to?
New fear unlocked about a possible way losing my virginity could go wrong.
An interesting read though. I'm on the other side of the issue at the moment, being in my late 20s and still being a virgin, but in thinking about losing it I have found myself falling into similar patterns to some of those you describe here. In particular I've thought a lot about the selfless sexual script very similar to how you describe it, though I thought about it because I have imagined that I will be quite trigger happy. Though maybe this is only due to personal experience with an idiosyncratic masturbation style, so maybe that won't end up being how it goes.
A specific tip that wasn't mentioned in the discussion of varying your masturbation habits: If you plan to use a condom during sex then wear one while masturbating as well. This will get you used to the feel of having one on and being touched through it. (it also makes cleanup very easy)
I have had similar experiences despite losing my virginity in my mid-teens, I think if you’re a neurodivergent male there’s a high chance this is a fundamental characteristic of your sexuality no matter how many partners you have.
I’m also bisexual and had hook-ups and relationships with both men and women, and the same thing could happen regardless of my sexual role. The difference is that if you’re the receiving partner you can have full intercourse without being turned on, and there’s no fear that you’ll rush to an early orgasm that means the end of that act and your interest.
But despite the complete absence of the fears and pressures normally present in heterosexual encounters, issues about death grip/condoms/maintaining an erection/etc., I still had the same problems - not being turned on, not being able to finish, not being attracted to a partner, feeling pressured to have sex just because I’m a man, but mostly, the same weird psychological state where I was unable to be “into it” and actually let go and enjoy what’s happening.
It varies from individual to individual of course but I’m on the side that this is a psychological problem and that the phallocentric approach is the wrong focus. It’s not about delayed ejaculation, or not having an erection, or even horniness (not masturbating for weeks did not make me anymore turned on during casual sex). ADHD meds also didn’t help, and weirdly enough made me mostly lose interest in sex/masturbation (maybe due to improved self control?).
I’m personally very happy that my partner went on SSRIs and that their libido went down drastically. It’s removed so much anxiety and when we do have sex it’s a lot better since it’s less of a physical “need” than an expression of intimacy.
Yeah although this article is very sex positive regarding kinks and turn ons, something about it still rubs me (bi cis woman) the wrong way. Like, we all agree now that Freud was wrong on this and that women don't "have to learn" to orgasm from penetration. If a woman need a vibrator, or oral, or whatever else to orgasm during the act, that's fine and more girl power to her. Why do men need to learn to orgasm easily in a conventional way? Why is it a problem not to? As a woman I've only orgasmed by my own hand, and no one calls that death grip syndrome. For that matter: why is one of the first tips in here not "try sticking things up your prostate, that helps a lot of men"?
Great post!
At some point you mentioned ADHD, and I do wonder if there's a strong correlation between those somewhere on the ADHD spectrum and those who have erectile dysfunction and/or delayed ejaculation, as I suspect (mostly without evidence) that in many cases it has to do with a difficulty in focusing the brain. From time to time, I've heard phrases like "the brain is one of the primary sexual organs" or "the biggest role in creating an orgasm is that of the brain" thrown around and do find that there's a certain truth to them.
You also clearly know both a disproportionate number of loveshy men and a disproportionate number of neurodivergent men, and while the two are correlated in the first place for very obvious reasons (certain types of neurodivergence make it harder to find partners in the first place), certain brain issues like ADHD may act as a conflating variable by leading to erectile dysfunction / delayed ejaculation as well.
Very good. I'd also like to point out that most of not all of those things can apply to NOT loveshy, late-starter men. They can also apply to for example middle aged men who have had a long gap between relationships, or men who spent many years with one woman with specific style or requirements (this is essentially a partnered version of idiosyncratic masturbation style: if for example the only way you did piv for 15 years is by her riding you on top, you MIGHT struggle fucking her etc).
A lot of people have hangups in the bedroom, and at least some of the time its because they fail to see themselves how their partner sees them— their partner desires them, but they're not seeing themselves as desirable. Loveshy men often won't have inculcated a habit of opening themselves up to feeling desired.
In any other context this would be TMI, but... I can confirm that, for me, so-called "traumatic masturbatory syndrome" was real. It caused both erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation, and took a long time to fix. Before I fixed it, I was not able to have normal, satisfying sexual encounters with women.
Idk, anecdotally I’ve only slept with 6 people with penises, but there wasn’t a huge correlation between idiosyncratic masturbation style or neurodivergence and difficulty cumming with me? I knew people who did the bed thing who were able to come too (maybe the difference is they could also come from a variety of styles.)
I can’t really speak to the age thing bc I’m 24 and everyone was around that age or younger.
Estrogen does often make it harder to come if you have a penis (and makes it smaller/not get as hard)
I don’t mind this as advice for people who do want to change - personally I had vaginismus for a long time and am glad that it’s significantly milder now so that masturbation isn’t the only way I can engage in sex. And it makes sense to want to adapt your preferences to a partner you care about.
Or just don't resolve your idiosyncratic masturbation style and end each sex session with a hot jerk of sesh while dirty talking and kissing? That's what my partner and I often do.
I am a cis woman with an idiosyncratic masturbation style. Like most women, I can't come from penetration, but clit focused vibrators and oral also don't make me cum either (although both feel awesome!). Basically I have to continuously press the left side of my clit in a specific pattern, that I've yet to teach anyone else to replicate. Yeah, it'd be nice if I could orgasm in more ways and I really have tried, but such is life. Anecdotally, most women don't orgasm in a super easy and convenient way; why do men have to?
New fear unlocked about a possible way losing my virginity could go wrong.
An interesting read though. I'm on the other side of the issue at the moment, being in my late 20s and still being a virgin, but in thinking about losing it I have found myself falling into similar patterns to some of those you describe here. In particular I've thought a lot about the selfless sexual script very similar to how you describe it, though I thought about it because I have imagined that I will be quite trigger happy. Though maybe this is only due to personal experience with an idiosyncratic masturbation style, so maybe that won't end up being how it goes.