It strikes me that an under-discussed 21st century middle-ground between "happier alone" and "party animal" is "happier with online friendships". LDRs of a romantic nature are often discussed, but perhaps even more widespread, and no less important, are deep and fulfilling friendships maintained over DMs, Discord, etc. over years or decades, which might very well fulfill someone's emotional need for socialisation better than the bother of in-person friendships where you have to keep getting dressed and going out on top of a day job. I think that's another thing to check for in the "check what you actually want" stage, rather than just the "are you happily solitary or anxious?" dichotomy.
On the one hand, I seem to be clearly in the target audience of this: I felt starved for friends and human connection for years and years. On the other hand, I usually don't get much out of generic advice on the subject. It all seems like either something I already know or too vague. I think that the main exception in this post is:
> Conversely, if you open up about all your deepest issues right away, people will assume you are needy, draining, and bad at boundaries.
This does sounds like me!
So, I'm kinda on the fence about whether reading the book would actually help me?
> It’s not pathetic, uncool, or desperate to deliberately practice social skills or to put effort into finding friends.
I think a lot of people on the reciving end of that practice would disagree.
> And it’s okay to make social mistakes in the course of practicing. If you don’t, you’ll never get better.
This argument is usually and promptly shot down by remarking that it's not other people's job to give you a chance to get better. It's not humans' job to help martians become blue. If this dooms you to stay green for life, tough luck.
I think you might be reading things into both of those statements that weren't intended. Putting effort into finding friends generally looks like "joining a club for a hobby of yours", not "asking people to be your friend and not taking no for an answer". And I think the second statement means "if you put your foot in your mouth when talking to a new person and feel embarrassed, it doesn't mean you must immediately give up on being friends with them and avoid them forever".
It strikes me that an under-discussed 21st century middle-ground between "happier alone" and "party animal" is "happier with online friendships". LDRs of a romantic nature are often discussed, but perhaps even more widespread, and no less important, are deep and fulfilling friendships maintained over DMs, Discord, etc. over years or decades, which might very well fulfill someone's emotional need for socialisation better than the bother of in-person friendships where you have to keep getting dressed and going out on top of a day job. I think that's another thing to check for in the "check what you actually want" stage, rather than just the "are you happily solitary or anxious?" dichotomy.
On the one hand, I seem to be clearly in the target audience of this: I felt starved for friends and human connection for years and years. On the other hand, I usually don't get much out of generic advice on the subject. It all seems like either something I already know or too vague. I think that the main exception in this post is:
> Conversely, if you open up about all your deepest issues right away, people will assume you are needy, draining, and bad at boundaries.
This does sounds like me!
So, I'm kinda on the fence about whether reading the book would actually help me?
> It’s not pathetic, uncool, or desperate to deliberately practice social skills or to put effort into finding friends.
I think a lot of people on the reciving end of that practice would disagree.
> And it’s okay to make social mistakes in the course of practicing. If you don’t, you’ll never get better.
This argument is usually and promptly shot down by remarking that it's not other people's job to give you a chance to get better. It's not humans' job to help martians become blue. If this dooms you to stay green for life, tough luck.
I think you might be reading things into both of those statements that weren't intended. Putting effort into finding friends generally looks like "joining a club for a hobby of yours", not "asking people to be your friend and not taking no for an answer". And I think the second statement means "if you put your foot in your mouth when talking to a new person and feel embarrassed, it doesn't mean you must immediately give up on being friends with them and avoid them forever".