Things That Might Be Making You Miserable

Yet another self-care checklist

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This is a list of things that people in general need. If you are depressed, anxious, unable to focus, irritated by everything, brainfogged, or similar, you can go through this list and see which of the things people need you’re missing.

I don’t mean to imply that these are easy problems to solve. Many of them are very difficult and can take months or years to fix. It is likely that many of my solutions involve money, time, or energy that you don’t have. I hope this can still be helpful.

I also don’t mean to imply that one of these is always the problem, or is the primary problem. People can have brain problems for all sorts of reasons. But taking care of yourself usually helps.

This list is likely to be overwhelming, especially if you have many areas where you’re not taking care of yourself. I recommend choosing a single thing that seems easiest and least overwhelming to tackle, and doing the Minimum Viable Habit related to it. Don’t try to keep your entire house clean: commit to three minutes a day of tidying. I also recommend selecting something that feels like a big deal to you. If you know that you always feel gross about your unbrushed teeth, but your diet of ramen noodles doesn’t really bother you, focus on the teeth. It’s probably more important and you will be more motivated to tackle it.

Not being sick or in pain. Obvious, but worth mentioning—if you’re sick all the time you’re going to be miserable. I can’t provide good medical advice, so talk to your doctor. If you’re in chronic pain, you might want to see a physical therapist. If you faithfully perform your exercises, physical therapy can have a really remarkable effect on many cases of chronic pain.

Food. People generally need to eat enough food—not too little and not too much. In general, you want to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re comfortably full. If you’re not sure how to tell, it can help to practice intuitive eating. If you prefer to track your calories, you can calculate how many calories you need in a day here. If you’re deliberately eating at a calorie deficit or surplus in order to change your body, you may want to consider moving closer to the number of calories you need to eat in a day. (If you’re underweight, talk to your doctor before taking my advice here—being underweight can also cause serious brain problems.)

If you have medical conditions that require a special diet, you should follow that diet. Otherwise, people generally feel best when they eat five servings of fruits or vegetables a day and don’t eat too many sweets or brightly colored snack foods. Most people feel best if their diet contains fat, protein, and complex carbohydrates. Very limited diets, such as the raw food diet, can make you feel sick. If you are vegan, you MUST MUST MUST take a B12 supplement.

Vitamin deficiencies can cause mental symptoms. If your diet is relatively limited, ask your doctor to test you for vitamin deficiencies (high-effort way) or take a multivitamin and see if you feel better (lazy way).

Exercise. Exercise is the closest thing to a panacea that exists. It gives you energy, lifts your mood, makes you think better, and makes you live longer. You need two and a half hours a week of moderate-intensity activity (you can talk without gasping but you can’t sing), or an hour and fifteen minutes of vigorous activity (harder than that).

There are a lot of people who will tell you that this or that is the best way to exercise, but the benefits of the optimal exercise are dwarfed by the benefits of exercising literally at all. Choose some form of exercise you will do regularly—whether that means playing a sport, going for a run, lifting weights, doing yoga, dancing, hiking or watching TV while you’re on the elliptical machine. Try to find something, anything, that is fun and that you will look forward to.

Try not to beat yourself up if you are less athletic than other people. Exercise is probably the item on the list people I know have the most psychological issues about. The mood, cognitive, and health benefits of exercise happen for everyone, not just the naturally athletically gifted. Please don’t feel like you have to push yourself until you puke; some masochists like that kind of thing, but you will still get a lot of benefits from moderate exercise. The idea is to find joy and pleasure in moving your body, no to live up to the standards of your elementary school P. E. teacher.

Sleep. People generally need somewhere between seven and nine hours of sleep. The amount of sleep people need varies; even if you’re getting seven hours, it might not be enough if historically you’ve always needed eight and a half.

Sometimes, there’s an obvious fix for your bad sleep. Your room might be too bright or the wrong temperature, or your bed might not be comfortable enough. Maybe your partner has to wake up early for work or snores loudly and you need to sleep in separate bedrooms for everyone’s sanity.¹ Sometimes, you stay up late every night because you're doing things in the evening that you don't want to stop doing; if you figure out a solution to that one, please drop it in the comments, I'm at a loss. Insomnia can be a symptom of several illnesses, so it can be worth talking to a doctor. If your insomnia happens Just Because, cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia can help.²

Cleanliness. Every person has different needs with regards to cleanliness of their bodies and spaces. For some people, not showering, brushing their teeth, or wearing clean clothes makes them “feel gross”, which is a constant low-level drain on their energy. It can also make them feel like a pathetic person who can’t even do basic hygiene. Some people find dirty spaces unpleasant to be in, which ruins their mood and productivity. Some people find untidy spaces distracting or can’t find things in untidy spaces.

If poor hygiene is bad for you: a lot of problems are solvable with creativity. If you always forget, set an alarm. If showers are boring, consider putting up a shower whiteboard or even getting a waterproof phone you can use in the shower.

If dirty spaces are bad for you: some people benefit from developing “clean as you go” habits, while other people find them stressful to keep up with, your mileage may vary. Try setting a timer for half an hour, twenty minutes, or even five minutes; it’s astonishing how large an effect a little cleaning can have. Prioritize the kind of cleaning that bothers you: if you hate hate hate clothes being on the floor, fix that before you do the dishes.

If you can afford it, cleanliness is sometimes solvable with money. For some people, a maid or a laundry service may do more to improve their mental health than a therapist.

A note I’m tucking in here because it’s the least inappropriate place: some people do poorly in spaces that are noisy, are the wrong temperature, don’t have comfortable enough seating, have fluorescent lights, etc. I think most of the ways of solving these problems are pretty obvious, but it is still worth thinking about.

Problems relating to drugs. This is not really a need per se but it is something that is important to check. Some people’s brains or bodies run better if they are on various drugs; talk to your doctor. If you take prescribed medication, check the side effects list to see if it includes the symptoms that bother you. If it does, consider asking your doctor to switch you to a different medication. If you’re unreliable about taking your meds (try getting a timer cap to check!), both withdrawal and not having the drug in your system can cause problems.

If you take recreational drugs, I’m not going to criticize you, but I do encourage you to do your research about the side effects of your drugs and hangover/withdrawal, and to consider whether your use is causing problems in your life and whether you should cut down. I am lifetime straightedge so I am not the person to discuss this. (Some people’s brains and bodies also run better with the regular use of recreational drugs, but that is definitely not a topic I’m going to touch in this post.)

Even though it is normalized in our culture, caffeine is a mind-altering drug. If you can’t sleep or are anxious all the time, consider whether you are consuming a ton of caffeine.

Being outside. Some people do not need this one, but it’s a pretty cheap test and so worth including. For some people the operative ingredient is fresh air and sunshine. You can try taking a daily walk.

For some people the operative ingredient is nature. You can schedule time to go to a park regularly: consider combining it with other activities you need to do, like childcare or studying or spending time with a friend.

For some people the operative ingredient is Literally Being Anywhere Other Than My House. If you work from home, try working in a library or a coffeeshop a few days a week. If you are a stay-at-home parent, I particularly recommend looking to see if your area has an indoor playground; often a membership is fairly cheap and it can entertain a child for hours without the vigilance required at an outdoor playground. (Or you can always try one of those McDonalds’s with a play space.)

Social. People need regular social interaction with other people. The subject of how to make friends is too complicated to get into in this post, but I recommend the excellent website Succeed Socially. Many people have other, specific social needs, and I’m going to talk about techniques that might make the situation better if you can’t fulfil those needs right now.

Some people need face-to-face social interaction, which can be troublesome if all your friends are online. Sometimes it helps to have a regular activity with other people, even if they aren’t close friends: for example, you might go to a bar trivia night or a book group. Sometimes video calls with your Internet friends help. If you have the money, you can schedule visits or even move to be closer to your Internet friends.

Many people don’t have any close friends they can talk to about their feelings, even if they have friends they can share activities with. Getting a therapist can help—one of the services many therapists provide is having someone to talk to. If you can’t access therapy, some people I know liked the website 7cups, but I suspect that might be high-variance.

Many people, especially men, don’t get enough intimate touch. Getting a pet can help. Many people find that a stuffed animal or a weighted blanket can ease touch starvation, even though they aren’t nearly as good as actual touch. You may want to see if there’s a cuddle party in your area. To solve this problem with money, you can see a masseuse, a professional cuddler, or even a full-service sex worker (many provide cuddles alongside or instead of sex).

Fun things. People need to do things they enjoy regularly.

It may be that you don’t have enough time for things you enjoy. Can you delegate or say “no” to more things in order to have time for things you enjoy? You might also be able to make things you have to do more fun, perhaps by listening to music and dancing while you clean or playing an audiobook while you’re driving places. If you don’t have time for things you enjoy because you’re a chronic procrastinator and always feel guilty when not working, it can help to deliberately schedule nonworking times when you are Not Allowed to work no matter how much you procrastinated that day. For many people, having a Sunday or evening of genuine rest actually results in getting more work done.

Some people who think they’re doing things they enjoy actually aren’t. We’re looking for things that make you feel happy and joyous, not anything that “isn’t productive.” If it makes you feel stressed and angry and unhappy, it doesn’t count (social media and League of Legends are big offenders here). If it’s a “default activity” you do because everything else seems hard but it actually makes you feel numb and dissociated, it doesn’t count. If you feel like you should enjoy it because other people enjoy it and it is the kind of thing that is fun, but you don’t actually like it very much, it doesn’t count.

A sense of accomplishment. People, in general, need to feel like they’re doing something well.

All the other needs I listed are commonly recognized. In my experience, this is the one that people are most “…huh, yeah, I guess so, I never thought of that” about. So it might be easier for some people to achieve just for that reason.

Perfectionism is the great enemy of a sense of accomplishment. “I can’t be proud of cooking a good meal, there are professional chefs who are way better than me!” “I can’t be proud of cooking a good meal, it doesn’t do anything about serious global problems!” The best hack I’ve discovered for that is to find people who are loudly appreciative of the work you’re doing—people who are very excited to eat your meal or play in the D&D game you’re GMing; people who think your math results are neat or your Magic the Gathering deck is impressive.

What gives you a sense of accomplishment is very personal. Some people get a sense of accomplishment from struggling to achieve something difficult for them; other people get a sense of accomplishment from doing something that’s easy for them to do well. Some people get a sense of accomplishment from doing well in games; other people find that they need to be connected to the real world. Some people need to feel like their work helps others in order to feel a sense of accomplishment; other people don’t. Some people can reframe their activities to give them a sense of accomplishment (“I’m good at practicing positive discipline with my child”, “actually, accounting is really important and cool”); other people can’t.

It is very common for people whose job doesn’t give them a sense of accomplishment (because it’s hard, because it’s easy, because they fail a lot, because the results are years away, because it feels like a bullshit job, whatever) to need to build in time for a hobby that gives them a sense of accomplishment.

1. I am reliably informed that outside the Bay Area this is often financially possible.

2. Be warned that sleep restriction, a key part of CBT-i, will probably involve two of the worst weeks of your life.